This was a strange weekend for me. Life seems to be up and down and once I think I've got it, it then seems to not be around. I went around a corner a few minutes ago and I finally think I will be able to get on the right track this semester.
For whatever reason i have a hard time making my desires align with my will. I want to love my family the best way I can, but when push comes to shove I back out. I want to be the woman of God I was made to be for my fiance, but when the rubber meets the road I just turn into an ordinary girl and I don't do everything I should do to selflessly love him. I desire to be who God calls me to be and when the spotlight comes on I run away. I have cold feet. Commitment issues more or less.
"Love is the alignment of the will with the desire to be one with someone or something." -Augustine
Why is it so difficult to love? I see it like this; we have 2 parts, will and desire, and without them both it isn't the fullness of love that we are called to or the love that God has and expresses for us. For some the desire is no issue, but we can't seem to carry it all the way to the finish line. Others have a strong will but no drive. How do we conquer this??? If I knew the answer I would be an ecstatic woman right now. Psalm 119 is coming to mind right now (yes the longest one).
"How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you. Praise be to you, O Lord; teach me your decrees. With my lips I shall recount all the laws that come from your mouth... do good to your servant, and I will live; I will obey your word. Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law... I am laid low in the dust; preserve my life according to your word. I recounted my ways and you answered me; teach me your decrees. Let me understand the teaching of your precepts; then I will meditate on your wonders. My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word. Keep me from deceitful ways; be gracious to to me through your law. I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws...I run in the path of your commands for you have set my heart free." --Psalm 119 9-32
Let this be a prayer for us when we are weary and hopeless and clueless and just plain angry with ourselves because we just can't seem to get it right. I just want to say on behalf of all of us who feel this way, it's okay. I know I'm messed up and that causes many problems, especially when it comes to loving God and loving others-- the great commandments.
Well, my intent was to purge some emotion and in doing so I hope we can all feel a little lighter.Learning to love is my highest priority in life and I am thankful that tonight I got my sights back on what matters. I love you IWU, I really do but I am going to love and every now and then that might mean I write a crappy paper or fall asleep in class. I'm not perfect :)